Profile Monday: Rachael's Comedic Side Gig
Ever wonder what Transcendant's quietest member observes from her corner of the stage? Turns out, silence isn't just golden - it's absolutely lethal when wielded correctly.
Catch Rachael's full takedown of gothic band life, complete with revelations about wind machines, hair products, and why you should never, ever ask about Evanescence. The evidence is now live on our blog (and yes, we got signed releases from everyone's lawyers first).
Evelyn would like everyone to know that any mentions of stuffed bats are purely coincidental. Jane is currently unavailable for comment, but we can hear Chopin from here. And Raven... Raven is busy rebranding his Tesco purchases.
[Editor's note: Post approved by one barely perceptible nod and what might have been a smirk. The shadows in the office are behaving strangely, but that's probably fine.]
"Evening. Rachael Nightshade. And before you ask - yes, that's my stage name. Because nothing says 'taking yourself too seriously' quite like a gothic metal band. slight pause Though watching Evelyn try to explain her real name at the bank is probably the closest I've come to experiencing pure joy. Try getting a mortgage when you've legally changed your name to 'Evelyn Duskfall, Queen of the Eternal Night.' deadpan The loan officer actually started crying."
"You know, being the quiet bassist in a gothic metal band... people always assume I'm the mysterious one. Truth is, I just can't get a word in edgewise between Evelyn's dramatic monologues and Jane's cutting remarks. I tried once - waited three weeks for the perfect moment. Evelyn was finally taking a breath between soliloquies... and that's when Raven's hair caught fire from the stage pyrotechnics. deadpan pause Still counts as stealing the show, if you ask me."
"People ask why I wear these elaborate headpieces. Simple really - when you spend enough time around Evelyn's drumming, you need something to keep your brain from escaping through your ears. Plus, they're excellent for hiding snacks. pulls small chocolate from headpiece Emergency dark chocolate. Because you never know when someone's going to start an existential crisis conversation at 3 AM."
"The thing about being the quiet one is that you notice everything. Like how Jane, our keyboardist, has exactly twenty-seven different ways of saying 'darling' - and every single one of them is a death threat. Or how Evelyn practices her dramatic exits. very serious tone Did you know she has a wind machine hidden in her bedroom? For maximum cape billowing effect. Caught her rehearsing in front of her mirror once. pause She made me sign an NDA."
"I actually keep notes on band dynamics. For posterity. And potential blackmail. Did you know that Evelyn, our fearless leader, still has her childhood stuffed bat? His name is Mr. Wingsley, and he has a tiny custom-made leather jacket. flips page She claims it's 'on-brand.' I claim it's adorable, but I can only say that because I know seventeen different escape routes from our rehearsal space."
"I've also noticed that there's a direct correlation between the complexity of Jane's piano parts and how annoyed she is with humanity on any given day. If she starts playing Chopin with one hand while texting with the other, we all know to back slowly away. Last time that happened, she redesigned our entire lighting rig to spell out 'abandon hope' in morse code."
"People think being in a gothic metal band is all darkness and mystery. It's not. It's mostly watching Raven - our guitarist - try to convince everyone that his hair naturally defies gravity. perfect poker face Mate, we can see the empty hairspray cans in the bin. They're not even black ones. pause He buys them in bulk from Tesco. The same ones your nan uses. Just spraypainted black. That's proper gothic, that is."
“Our manager keeps trying to make us more 'commercially viable.' Suggested we try writing a love song. perfect deadpan In a gothic metal band. About love. pause Last time any of us tried that, Raven wrote a twelve-minute epic about falling in love with his own reflection. Plot twist - his reflection dumped him. Too high maintenance, apparently."
"You want to know true horror? Try telling Evelyn her dramatic cape swish needs work. dead serious We lost three smoke machines and a drum tech to that conversation. He's fine, physically. Emotionally... well, he's working with Taylor Swift now. Says pop music is 'less intense.' slight shrug Can't really argue with that. Even Swift's revenge songs have less body count than our love ballads."
“But my favourite thing? Getting to watch Jane slowly die inside every time someone asks if we're 'like Evanescence.' perfect timing We lost a keyboard last month to that question. Expensive one too. Though in the fan's defense, he did manage to dodge it. pause The amp that followed it, though... bit harder to dodge. Private healthcare is a beautiful thing.”
"Thank you for coming. And remember, if you hear mysterious bass lines in the dark... it's probably just me, practicing. Or possibly a supernatural entity. perfect poker face In Ravenfall, it's really a fifty-fifty chance either way."
